An unsent letter to my boyfriend

Forums Heartbreak An unsent letter to my boyfriend

This topic contains 1 reply, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Codename: ChickenFerret 3 months ago.

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  • #591 Reply

    WholeAgain

    For context, I am 18 and my boyfriend is 26. He just moved to Canada a month ago and wanted an open relationship, and I’m fine with that. I don’t need any comments saying how the age gap is unhealthy. I know this is an unhealthy relationship in more ways than one. He just went to a festival and spent his time with a girl two nights in a row, and I hooked up with someone from a party and told him about it. He couldn’t handle it.

    ————————————————————————————————————

    July 12th, 2018

    Listen to my words.

    How can you be the judge of others when you yourself indulge in those same things? Just saying some variation of “baby I’m sorry” or every apology in the book isn’t going to make this go away.

    You made me feel like less of a person. And after you said all those things like how much I meant to you, how much you loved me, how I was your “babygirl“, your “love, and so many other wonderful things, you still fucking hurt me in a heartbeat. You said you didn’t want me. You told me to cancel my flight. You told me you wanted me to get raped.

    And to go die no less.

    The reason why? Because you got jealous that I had sex with someone. Yes, you’re good at sex. Maybe that’s the only answer you need because that’s all you ever fucking care about. Being better at sex than someone else means nothing in a real relationship. It’s that two people are willing to make it work regardless because there’s so much more to a relationship than just sex. I’m disappointed in you because you thought me to be shallow enough to want to leave you because of something trivial like that. There’s always going to be someone better at sex than you. That’s just a fact. But if you really cared about this relationship you wouldn’t be so hung up about it. It makes me sad that you’re willing to throw away everything we had so easily.

    I do know that I’m bigger person than you because I would never wish those things on someone even if I was pissed off and jealous. If I said all the shit that was on my mind right then, it would only lower me. And I had a lot to say. It might feel good to say that in the heat of the moment, but really think about what you’re saying for once. Your ex might’ve been able to deal with you for so long because she knew how to stop caring about what shit you spewed out, but I can’t take that because I’m young and I take those things to heart, especially when it comes from someone I loved. You said on the phone that I could’ve just lied to you, but that’s just you being a hypocrite. You said that being honest is the most important thing in a relationship, and I really tried being honest with you but you can’t handle your own decrees. Hypocrites are just immature people who can’t hold themselves accountable, and that’s what you are. So just fucking grow up.

    I’ve sacrificed so much for you, given you so much of my time, energy, and love. And for what? At the expense of destroying the trust between my parents and me and my self respect? I tried to make this work for so long but you honestly just don’t put in the effort. If you don’t want to deal with me again, just throw the entire package away when you get it gets to you. If you still want me, then open the box and see how much I care about you. See how I’m always thinking about you. Even when I was on the other side of the world I still thought about you and got you gifts that you’d appreciate.

    Also, I hope you won’t forget that I bought a fucking plane ticket to go see you. I hope you realize that I’m willing to lie to my parents and spend hundreds of dollars of my own money all because I want to spend time with someone who means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me and I loved you, really. But after everything you said to me today, it made me so fucking sad. I’m mad at myself for dragging this on for so long. I hate myself for meeting up with you and letting you rape me when I was just 16.
    I really hope that you’ll change. I really just wish you would open your eyes and change for your own sake. You’re only growing further from college and closer to 30 and all you do is smoke weed and look for something to stick your dick in. I’m an asshole for saying this, but you’re a real loser. You’re getting a masters in Philosophy for fucks sake.

    My only mistake was being a naive teenager and falling in love with you. You’ve made me feel higher than the tallest mountains and like a piece of shit at the same time. I don’t regret going out and enjoying myself last night, because I’m entitled to sex as well. I’m not good for you because I’m telling you the truth and you obviously don’t want to hear the truth. It hurts me to say all this, but a part of me feels great to call you a loser. You’re a prick and you really don’t deserve me. My only consolation is that I’ll be leaving you behind and I still have my whole life ahead of me. I’m going to a top 5 university and I’ll forget about you in a few months.

    It’s crazy how fast people can change. In the letter that I wrote you, I mentioned that I barely knew you for the longest time. I wish I could go back to just being one of your regular hookups so I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of falling in love with someone like you. Someone that’s so willing to just throw me away over something like this.

    I really did think you were mature enough to handle this, but that was my mistake to think so. Even if you say in defense that you’re just jealous. I know you hate feeling jealous, but you’re a real idiot for asking for an open relationship. You know what’s worse than feeling jealous? Knowing that someone you love(me) hates your guts and that you don’t have the slightest idea on how to fix it.

    I know I’m not an authority on this, you’re the one with a bachelors, but my philosophy is don’t ask hurtful questions if you don’t want to get hurt. This is what you wanted though, an open relationship.

    I’m trying really hard not to send this to you, K. I’m sorry for sounding like such an asshole, but I’m human too and I have limits and I need to vent.

    I can change for you. I was and still am an adaptable person. I can be anything you want me to be, but what you’re asking me to be is to be ok after this shitshow. The messages are still there and I can still see them. You deleted them because you admitted that you’re ashamed about what you said, but I have screenshots.

    It sounds melodramatic, but this whole thing is really burning a hole in my heart. I said I forgave you for what you said. Forgiving means that I’m willing to still try for this… whatever we have, but you still hurt me and wounds like that take time to heal. I’m still young, and I probably don’t know what love is yet, but what you’ve showed me before today was the closest thing to it.

  • #602 Reply

    Codename: ChickenFerret

    Howdy! I just wanted to address your disclaimer to your letter.
    There will not now nor ever be any judgement or criticism on anyone’s personal situation/relationship/whatever – that is not the purpose of this site.

    That being said, I sincerely appreciate your trust in saying what you need to here. You already sound like you’re on the right track in focusing and prioritizing your life and mental/emotional health. At the end of the day, you’re going to do what you think you should do but if there is anything I can offer, it’s that changing yourself for someone is almost always temporary. It can be a few weeks to a few years…maybe even decades. But your true self will never actually change – maybe adapt, like you’ve identified, but you will never change your being. You’ll want it to change. You’ll want it to permanently fit in a space you’re desperately taking shape to for whatever reason but it will never last. This is a lesson best learned with experience.

    Keep those thoughts coming, however, and maintain that outside context and always keep yourself in review; see yourself like your best friend or relative with your own eyes.

    Best of luck, somebody

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