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September 4, 2018 at 11:55 am #601
**Names have been changed and personal information removed – originally written on paper at work
This has been my favorite pen for a few weeks now.
I’m not entirely sure as to why…but it writes really well. I think I’ve written a decent handful of letters to you everyday for weeks. This pen has helped me say a lot. I admit that I do fight pretty hard not to send these and I have a friend at work who takes a few of them and shreds them for me. I need these words read; the thoughts shared. And I’m grateful these people are here to help in that sense. I only see my doctor once a week and it might not be enough. I have actual, real-world problems I need to discuss but I’m hung up on this nonsense right now. Once they’re read and discarded it does offer some relief, however. Maybe one day I’ll sneak one of these through and ship it out…who knows. I don’t even recall your apartment number so you might not even receive it if I did. I do hope you get one of these letters one day, I think. Maybe not. I know I’m not in the right state of mind…romanticizing this thing. I’d want to even include a stamped envelope if you chose to respond…or just use it for a bill or something. I say that as a defense, of course I’d want you to respond.
I do hope things are going well for you; I’m sure they’re pretty amazing. I hope Alex is doing great with her job. Her social life? Is she eating and socializing better? Did you ever get your bionic eye? I still have two great ones if you need. Is your health ok, in general? How’s the uke practice coming? How’re the pups? Did you save anymore? I do miss Toots. ..that filthy little crescent roll. Did Lisa land her first job, yet? How’re your parents? Your mom? Your dad’s health? Have things been easier for your mom since Alex lives with you now? How’s your brother? I’ll never look at a Rubix cube the same again. I do sincerely miss you. And all the other things you come with. I contemplate sending a text or email some nights but there’s no coming back from that and those can be too hastily written and easily misinterpreted or, worse, uninvited.
You know…’Forever and Always’ doesn’t mean we need the whole of each other’s hearts. It’s only been harder for me since I know I’ve completely lost yours. I’m sure, maybe in time, my heart could hold vacancy again but for now I know I still want to give you the whole of mine. I still have a plethora of questions but I’m still healing and the answers I think I’d get could undo a lot of the work I’ve already done and this letter isn’t about that. I want you to know that I’m OK. I’ve experienced actual time with myself to be more productive, to learn more about myself and figure out how to enjoy my own company again. I did get rid of most of ‘our’ stuff. I needed to in order to continue to heal, as well. I believe you had to do the same, unfortunately. I got rid of everything but the bottle. I have a friend at work holding it…I’m not ready to part with that, yet.
I’ve reached out to my family finally. I’m still a ways off after my selfish abandonment of them though. It’ll be a process but its moving. Made some new friends, too. Some have already become pretty close but I think it’s mostly because they had to endure this situation with me. They just feel bad, I think. I’ll take it, either way. It does feel good to have people again. I do have a Pittsburgh friend coming to visit in March for about a week. I’ll most likely board Chuck for a few days. So you’ll see her if I go through with it. But I guess they chose to get their flight into Houston instead of Austin so I have to adjust the itinerary to reflect that. We’ll do a day in Houston, a day in Austin and then take advantage of San Antonio before heading back East. I think we’re going to try Enchanted Rock again. Have you done any neat new travels, yet? Did you guys win your cruise? That’d be pretty rad.
Oh yeah…I never responded to your text…yeah, my number is still the same. After that Friday…I couldn’t get out of bed until that Tuesday or Wednesday, I think. Little set back but again my head just went swimming with questions, and again…I’ve learned or learning, rather, that I don’t need all the information all the time. But I felt like Ben must’ve felt during the end of your relationship with him and Tommy was playing my role…and that…well that just fucking hurt. I expected to lose you physically during this break but definitely not emotionally. Exclusive after a month and a half and with the guy ‘I shouldn’t worry about…’ Absolutely unexpected. But again…this isn’t my love story. This is yours. I’m truly happy for you if you’re genuinely happy. I’m so sorry my illness got the best of us. You know, that poem I had written you with those butterflies was the only poem I’ve ever written outside of schoolwork. I liked it…and I think it still holds true. Though it still feels out of character for me. I still can’t differentiate what’s an act of passion or a genuine gesture. Time will forever flow and I will still never again let you drown, if I can help it. I don’t want to let anyone down again. Right now, you’ll clearly always have a place in my heart; a very large place. But time will be the ultimate deciding factor in how this plays out. But I’ll always be accepting of any bit of your heart you have left for me.
Getting back into some hobbies and back into my work has been pretty difficult. I’ve developed PTSD to writing music in general…as odd as that is to say. I thought PTSD was reserved to those facing actual death-defying situations. Something actually traumatic. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case which super sucks. I’m going to focus more on sound design and effects, foley and maybe a little placement music. After LA and the subsequent catastrophe, I cannot write music without falling into a nauseating panic. So just sound for now.
I’ve managed to reacquire a good amount of my gear again. I wish you were able to see the new set up. I’ve always wanted you to see my working rig in full force. How’s your art set up? Are you still doing the cosplay thing? I hope so. Your costumes were always incredible.
You know, I’m starting to feel like myself again. Or like I have so long ago; motivated, excited, accomplished. I wanted to share all of this with you, either way. On the other hand, I really can’t take advantage of my enjoyment in life knowing there’s an empty, reserved seat in my heart. Which seems incredibly useless to say. I do not like writing stuff like that. It feels weird. I can’t tell if it’s disingenuous. How come I can’t figure out what I’m feeling?
You’re my best friend, doll. It probably lost itself in translation to you at some point. Shit, it might’ve even lost itself in meaning to me, too. But you are. Maybe even were, unfortunately. Remember when I used to love time? Now I think it’s going to be providing me with a rather rough road. I might’ve lost respect for it…maybe that’s why I’m dealing with this. Karma, ya know? You’ve been pivotal to my development as to who I am right now. I don’t know if that’s good or bad? Maybe that role put me here to finally wake the fuck up and start living a life of integrity. I thought I always had the best of intentions but I knew I was going about it all wrong. I wanted to get us on top. After all that and now being here… you weren’t my target for this recovery. I was my target. WE were my goal. YOU were my inspiration. How’d it get so convoluted?
I’m OK now. Sometimes it stops hurting. But it will almost always start up again. I’ve grieved over not having you in my life the same way one would grieve over death. I tried to keep it inside because I didn’t believe anyone could understand how I was feeling or lend justification to my sorrow and pain. I just needed to continue to remove all the emails, texts, pictures, items, memories not locked into my brain, with finality. But that bottle. I just need it safely stored for me. It’s my little vestige. A physical object that can burn and sting when I touch it. When I hold or even look at it. Something to keep me grounded. It’s morbid but it sits like a box of ashes of a dead loved one. Someone I can’t part with. It’s an indefinite bruise I could push on to remind myself of how deep my heart really goes. How the bottomless well of love and pain will always be inside of me, reminding me that I had a brave heart. That I am stronger and more resilient than ever. My weakness should be my strength, I think. I’ve already asked myself several times…that if I could ‘Spotless Mind’ my brain, disconnect every synapse that make me think of you…would I do it? Not at all. I’d never let anyone take the pain of loving you from me. Why should I when knowing you was so beautiful? For having you in my life, for however long, made me ultimately better; eventually, if anything. Made me truly feel alive. I will always hold those memories. And hold onto this better version of myself that has only evolved from loving you. I didn’t come this way FOR you, rather, BECAUSE of you. And how wonderful, that another human being could make me do so much for myself. I realize I’ll never receive the answers I want and wishing for you to just show up on my doorstep is nothing but a pipe dream engineered by Hollywood. That sort of closure is for film, TV and novels. Real life, I’ve learned, is all loose ends and unanswered questions and abrupt, unsatisfying endings. It is for now, I guess. Maybe that outlook will change. I know the goal isn’t to be completely ‘healed’ or feel like maybe one day I finally just feel nothing. But I know I’ll always feel something. For today and all the rest I have, there will be a piece of my heart inaccessible to anyone else because it only exists as a memorial to us, and to my own deep, abiding love for you.
On bad days, I’m not sure how I’d manage just seeing you or how I’d react if you came back to me. Some days, Im so sad I’d think I’d forsake everything and everyone just to hold you in my arms again. But those are the bad days.
Again, I know therapy isn’t about fixing it. It’s about re-contextualizing the pain and the experience so I’m not caught up in a daydream of when I’ll have what I once had again. It’s about saying ‘this has shaped me into the person I am.’ The now. How do I live with this version of myself and how can I benefit from this experience? Why did this happen FOR me? I can recognize moments instead of goals. I’m still learning that I can start imagining a place I’ll be in the near future, not the distant one. Where I can look back and grieve over it when I need to and if i have to but continue moving forward and live a rewarding life.
In conclusion, I’ve learned to love myself enough, though an active process – not always easy – that I don’t crave another person. It’s a more solitary lifestyle but it’s peaceful, too. I know, for certain, I still hold the capacity to love others. But I’m trying to cultivate this love affair with myself. I know that this sounds like a self-help book now but I’ve spent a lot of time in my recovery, musing on what it takes to experience real, personal joy. How I can love myself more so I can be of service to the expanding circle of people closest to me. So I can see them the way they deserve.
I hadn’t spent enough time looking…and I mean REALLY looking at everyone. Seeing others, accepting the cracks and seeing their beauty…their pain, love, grief, joy. That’s what I’m working on now…but by seeing myself as I deserve to be seen.
I loved you with all my heart…as cold as it was. And it made me a better person. I’m allowed to grieve you. I’m allowed to celebrate our memories. I am allowed to remember you forever and I’ll never allow myself to regret anything. I know I’m worth it. I’m deserving of a beautiful, all-encompassing love from someone. You can’t be my someone right now and that’s not your fault. As bad as I want that feeling to explode out of you again…I’d rather have my own smile for the now over nothing but a memory.
P.S. Every morning…Tuesday through Thursday, at 7 am, no matter where you are or what you’re doing…I wish you a goodnight-ish.
- This topic was modified 3 months ago by Codename: ChickenFerret.
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September 4, 2018 at 12:01 pm #604
Beautifully written and straight from the heart. I’m having some trouble writing my first love letter, and I wish I could be as articulate as you.