September 4, 2018 at 11:45 am #593
I am constantly reminded of the decisions I’ve made, and the pain those decisions have caused others. None more so than the people I love. Every day I live with the pain, telling myself “I should have done this” or “I shouldn’t have done that”. But those are just words, and words mean nothing compared to actions. And my actions spoke for themselves. I hurt you. They changed you, turned you someone that hated me and everything about me. I was abusive, in more ways than one. Looking back, I should have known better. I should have seen what I was doing. The signs were there, the words were there, the actions were there. And I did nothing to change, not until it was too late.
And then came someone to save you from your Hell, to show me the darkness inside me, and to throw me to the judgements of the world. Only then did I see what I had done. And it destroyed me. It made me who I am. The guilt tears me apart day by day. There will never be enough apologies to make up for what I did, and my actions will never be good enough no matter what I do.
In the years since we stopped talking, there’s only been one thing I’ve wanted: your happiness. Your happiness is all that’s mattered to me. That’s why after my final blunder, the note if you remember, I made a continuous effort to never see you again. Not so that I could be away from you, but so that you would not have to think about me. You’re better off without me. And last I heard, you’re engaged…and you have no idea how happy that made me for you.
But, there is still a part of me that wishes things could have worked out. That I could been better for you, and to you. Some people say that I still love you, and maybe they’re right. Some would call me a creep, a lowlife, a man lost in the past, and they’re probably right as well. All I know is that the mere memory of you brings nothing but pain. A pain I can’t even remove. You told me to forget about you and to move on…but how can I do that when I can never forget? How can I do that when every day I feel like a monster? How can I ever forget you?
A part of me hopes that somehow, as unlikely as it is, you will see this. But another part of me dreads the idea.
I’ll end it on this: I hope you have a good life. I hope you live to have you wedding. I hope you’re able to have those children you always wanted. I’m sure you’ll be an amazing parent. I hope you get to go to all the places you wanted to see. I hope you get to grow old and have grandchildren. And maybe even great-grandchildren. I hope you’ll never have to tell them how you suffered. I hope you have a happy, full, worthwhile life. And I hope you never have to see or think about me again.
I’m sorry, K.
September 4, 2018 at 12:03 pm #605
First, I wanted to thank you for writing this. I had submitted a letter on here (My Favorite Pen) and i looks like its reflecting a rather similar feeling. I can’t, in good conscience, claim we were going through the same thing but I can admit it is similar. You being able to admit all of this and openly taking responsibility and understanding what has happened and why this has happened is an incredibly admirable and hopeful, if not responsible, step in healing. There are many who won’t even see those mistakes and, in truth, this will still clear a path for you and the next individual you choose to share your life with.
Make sure you start and end your day loving yourself so you can appropriately love someone else. Keep maintaining that self-awareness and be grateful for the good you’re already giving people.